Dick on Dr. Phil

"Women are only good for having kids - unfortunately they're not very good at raising them. Hitler was raised by a single mother."

-Dick Masterson on Dr. Phil

In 2007 Dick Masterson appeared on Dr. Phil, a Los Angeles-based tabloid talk show hosted by sentient thumb Dr. Phillip McGraw. As a featured guest on the Dr. Phil House mini-series, Dick appeared as his bombastic, chauvinistic self, alongside a host of other guests who held similar prejudices. Dick was in the house for five days and appeared in five episodes.  Nothing  of these episodes exists in-full in any format anywhere.



Background
Dr. Phil House was a miniseries that aired on Dr. Phil wherein six guests would lodge together at a mansion in Hollywood. The house was owned by Dr. Phil himself and was monitored 24/7 by staff members seeking to exploit film interactions between guests. Guests were chosen based on that month's theme; be it marital strife, prejudices, phobias and other contentious traits.

Dick on Doc
Dick was contacted to guest on the House of Judgement segments of Dr. Phil House. He was paired with five other guests, one of whom was Shirley Deiu, a feminist. Dick's promo showed him in a park making his argument for why men are superior to women - citing the collective tendency of females to trade sex for material possessions and reasons why Bill Clinton cheated on his wife. He then appeared onstage to a cacophony of boos (which he pointed out sounded distinctly high-pitched).

"Why is prostitution illegal but alimony isn't? They're basically the same thing - you're paying for the whore to leave."

Dick's mainline appearances on the show were in two formats: his forced interactions with Shirley and his "therapy" sessions with the Doc himself. Though Dick often appeared lax and sharp in his appearances on the show, he later explained on Who Are These Podcasts that the Dr. Phil House drove him to the brink of insanity. This should come as a surprise to no one, as the concept of being surveyed all hours of the day in a house with people you hate would drive anyone mad, not to mention that part of the reason the house was shut down was the police constantly being called due to noise.

"My philosophy before I came to the Dr. Phil House was men are better than women. Now I couldn't agree with myself more."

One of Dick's activities aboard the show was roaming Hollywood with Shirley to find her a suitable male partner, and Shirley vice versa. Shirley's pick for Dick was a bystander who was, "cute, she's slender. She's a little out of your league. She's too rich for you." Which Dick agreed with because women only want a man for his money. Dick's pick for Shirley was an older gentleman in a suit who was well-groomed and had a full head of hair. Shirley brushed him off for having a squeaky laugh and for drinking liqueur.

Years after the event, Dick periodically references his tenure on Dr. Phil. He briefly discussed it with Karl from WATP when he reviewed Phil's podcast, Phil in the Blanks.



Lost Episodes
The House of Judgement segments fell out of syndication months after their initial airing and were eventually scrubbed from the Dr. Phil archive. In writing for this article the editor manually searched each episode of 2007 to confirm that they truly do not exist. According to Dick, Dr. Phil was so embarrassed by the episodes that he ordered they be pulled. It later became known that Shirley Dieu sued Dr. Phil for fraudulent business practice as well as a variety of additional grievances. According to the lawsuit, contestants were told to hand over their cell phones and other personal devices upon entering the house and received little to no exposure to the outside world. The house itself wasn't even a house either, rather a mockup condo built inside a warehouse that saw regular mandatory meetings with staff. The catering was intentionally unappetizing. All six contestants shared the same restroom. The most severe grievance was on the third night of the show when:

"...the participants were told they were going to have a special dinner guest. Later that evening, McGraw (Dr. Phil) appeared on the television monitor and announced, “Here's your dinner guest.” The male dinner guest was at the front door, fully naked exposing his genital area. Plaintiffs were shocked and horrified. Plaintiffs ran into a room and shut and locked the door. Dieu heard the crew and others laughing at them. They suffered emotional damages, and Dieu also suffered physical injury. Plaintiffs insisted on leaving, but defendants were uncooperative in allowing them to do so."

House of Judgement existed solely in physical format somewhere in the Dr. Phil vaults, (the Phaults, so to speak) sealed away indefinitely. Or so we thought. In 2017 Dick Masterson put a $1000 bounty on the original cuts of the show.

In March 2018 Dick was contacted by a Brazilian fellow who claimed to posses digital copies of the Portuguese sub of the episodes. Negotiations are currently underway for the safe delivery of the files due to the owner giving into his Brazilian heritage and holding the copies hostage for a higher price. As of May 2019 negotiations have failed.

In October 2019 Dick was contacted by a Swedish Dickhead who apparently requested and was given access to the raw files of the episode. As of October 31st the episodes have been made public via YouTube however initial uploads to YouTube were taken down by CBS. This page will be updated with new upload locations as they become available. For now you can enjoy them here.

Shirley the Man Hater's Glorious Return
Episode 179 of The Dick Show was a particularly special installment as it featured special guest Shirley Dieu, the woman who appeared alongside Dick back in 2007 and who sued Dr. Phil. She gave her side of the story and had a warm catching-up with Dick, proving that her actual personality is nothing like the character she was forced to play for the show. According to Shirley she was browsing the Dr. Phil website (she was not familiar with the show at the time) and found a page dedicated to grievances. Bored, she filled out a paper retelling a bad experience she had with a police officer. To her shock, a producer from the Dr. Phil Show invited her to appear on the show.

The Triforce of Chauvinism
As revealed on episodes 179 and 186, the physical copies of the lost tapes existed in three different formats.
 * 1) The Swedish National Archive of Recorded Sound and Moving Images possessed an English-language reel with Swedish subtitles. In October 2019 A Dickhead somehow compromised the archive and sent digital copies to Dick Masterson, where they were uploaded to YouTube.
 * 2) Shirley Deiu sued for and won the original reels. In 2019 she claimed to still have them in her house.
 * 3) Jason the Satanist's grandmother recorded the episodes to VHS tape. Jason still has those tapes.