Chris the Kiwi's Poetry

Chris the Kiwi has penned a handful of artworks for The Dick Show. This page exists to catalogue his past submissions and any future works he may produce. The following content may be disturbing to some readers but if you're here then I assume you know what you're getting into.

The Mysterious Woman
Chris' first art submission was a poem read on-air during The Dick Show episode 158. The topic of the poem was a mysterious woman named Yume who contacted Chris via Facebook. Chris penned and emailed the poem to Dick for whatever reason and the piece was recited in Chris' absence after discovering that Yume was a man and her profile image was a Mexican boy dressed as a Japanese girl.

"The mysterious woman is always on my mind

I think about her a lot

I give her a massage to get her exited and kiss her neck

And lick her snatch until she becomes very wet

She pleasures herself until she can't stand it anymore and begs for me to enter her

Her slippery tight snatch is not big enough to fit my testosterone filled load and the capacity of my balls

I keep her begging for more until there is no semen left

I cuddle her until we both asleep 

Until the next morning when we do it all over again

Then the woman can't get enough of me and my attention towards her and she stays with me for days on end"

Dick described the poem as "a serial killer's manifesto," and Sean likewise considered it "disturbing." It is difficult to ascertain which poetic meter Chris adopted for this piece as any semblance of rhythm is lost by the third line, however it is possible he was going for the vers libre approach.

Letter to President Donald J. Trump
On episode 186 Chris announced that he had sent a handwritten letter to the President of the United States of America asking for political asylum and a green card.

"Dear Mr. President,

My name is Christopher Francis McCarty, date of birth 22nd of February, 1977. I wanted to offer you belated congratulations on your presidency when you were first elected on your first term in 2016. I reside in Australia and currently receive the Australian Disabilities Support Pension which is given to severely disabled people in Australia. I was born in-house in New Zealand. I came to Australia in 2000 and became a naturalised Australian in 2001. The reason I came to Australia was because my late mother was concerned I was not going anywhere and sent me to live with my father and step-mother who made my life extremely difficult so I effectively ran away from their house. My attempts at employment have largely been unsuccessful and my employment record is very sparse. After failing a full-time engineering course in New Zealand and being bullied there it took a huge toll on my mental health and self-esteem. This resulted in me never considering an entry study ever again. I felt I was forced into unskilled labor working as a shelfer [sic] at supermarkets in Australia and New Zealand. This did not last long and I eventually gave up to go on the Australian Pension. I suffer from autistic spectrum disorder, Asperger's Syndrome. I believe that a vaccine injury I sustained as an infant was responsible for this and I have attempted unsuccessfully to gain vaccine injury compensation from the New Zealand government because my late mother passed away when I was seventeen so I was unable to obtain vaccination records. I also asked my siblings for this information but they ignore my requests because they have ostracised me. The New Zealand government do not hold information this far back when I asked them as well. I was born in New Zealand and live in Australia. Throughout my adult life the former and latter governments have been hostile and bullying towards me. I get bullied by people who I interact with socially on a regular basis, resulting in criminal charges in both countries from [unintelligible] and fairly misunderstood. I also believe that vaccines are what I have received as an infant shows government hostility resulting in a lifetime of misery and mental health issues and criminal behavior. I cannot even leave Australia currently because my passport was taken away when I was arrested in 2016. And I currently remained on bail as my court matter has not been dealt with so it has been nearly four years since I have been on bail. I was charged in Australia with threatening violence, stalking, threatening to kill, using phone and internet towards people in my birth-country of New Zealand. I experienced abuse whilst living with my parents. I have major mental health issues which prevent me from working. The police in both countries misunderstand me and I get abused by them as well. I was wondering if you could please grant me asylum, financial aid and a green card. I hope to hear from you soon and I thank you for your kind attention.

Most respectively,

Christopher Francis McCarty."

Chris elaborated that if his letter is not reciprocated he might consider applying for a work visa. He did not disclose where in America he would like to live, however it can be speculated that the Los Angeles Basin is of-interest to him as he has previously demanded that Dick buy him a house there. The state of Alaska is a possible candidate due to it having the highest per capita population of incarcerated females, though Chris would likely not survive the journey to the frozen north.

California Lineman
Chris' old Twitter account featured many a video of him singing folk songs. Dick offered Chris $10 to sing a song for The Dick Show. On episode 189 Chris performed a parody of the Glen Campbell song Wichita Lineman.

"I am the lineman of the county

I like fixing women's appliances

Up those stairs I come sneaking

Up to their door

I come inside with my toolbox

While they watch admiring me

And they give the California lineman a cup of tea

I grab their butt cheek

They make moves on me

I leave with a smile on my face

They are full of glee"

The song was so good that Dick played it twice for Sean's enjoyment.

Peach in the Rose Garden
For episode 191 Chris submitted 3, count 'em, three new poems to Dick for which he was paid $40.

"I beg your pardon, I never promised Peach a rose garden

I look up into the sun shine, I throw Peach into the horizon

Her bottom turns around and lands on the rose garden

She goes oh oh oh oh oh I beg your pardon, my ass fell on the rose garden

I come up to the rose garden which is full of thorns

I come up with my first aid kit and I look down there

She is full of despair

My first aid kit is empty and I leave her there

And I call the ambulance and I take her to the mental hospital

I've done my deed for today, Peach is so gay."

Dr. Rachel the Loser
"Dr. Rachel is a loser, she has a high death rate for patients 

She would be an ideal person for TV bloopers

Rachel drinks soy all day, this is why she sperges-out in the closet

As a result the hospital cuts her pay

Dr. Rachel has no pussy, this is why she has many at her home

She pretends to be a lesbian, this is why she is all alone

Rachel is becoming an old woman

She gets no dick, because she has no pussy

A feather duster on her fake breasts does the trick."

Hannah-Marie Morris - She is the Boss
"Hannah, who I came across, has beautiful raven hair

Came out of the blue from a place called California

She likes Jew jokes, so I can tell them to her

She bakes me bagels in her oven with smoke pouring out so that I choke so Hannah changes her mind

Hannah makes me lasagna, so I say to her

 'Are there Jews in Italy of your kind?'

The next day Hannah dresses in a beautiful white dress

We both go to the park, we both drink wine and I give her a gentle caress

Then she puts a glass underneath her foot and breaks it

Hannah is an exception of all Jews I've come across

Perhaps a fatal attraction or forbidden fruit

But whatever happens, she is the boss

This poem is called 'she is the boss.'"